the telephone

i have had it today with the phone

as a child my family would make telephone calls home
italy and france
usually sunday mornings
not every sunday of course for that would show lack of restraint
but when they did we would gather round and all have a brief moment of glory
bonjour tante
buon giorno zia
quick little moments
all three of us in a line
my brother sister and me
my mother would all but pull the phone away if we verbally stumbled

it seemed terribly important back then

i say this as i have my phone stapled to my ear
it is an appendage
to lose my phone is to lose a limb

cabs and walking are no longer island of solitude

i know look like an extremely well dressed mad woman
packages in one hand
phone in the other
i have no hands free
much too vulgar

so i constantly reposition packages, sketches and handbags
all in an effort not to lose touch with my life
i am not sure why the fear exists
i am more then sure it will all get along quite well without me
but if i miss a call
the first thing they say when they re call is
you did not answer

real life drama
decisions can not be made if i am not consulted
are we going out
what are you wearing

work calling for hours on end
i talk with them as i shop
nodding to the shoe salesman to bring more
i talk to them ordering at the market
pointing like a fishmongers wife at the fruit
i talk to them while giving directions to the driver
covering the phone for one brief moment

when i am not making fashion choices for the planet
i am on the phone with my friends
this while less frequent than work
is much more amusing
the world can participate
we talk of the shoes and if they should be in black or chocolate
i ask if i need to pick up a little something from the market for dinner

it wakes me up in the morning
as i belive if no one is looking for you
sleep is the best alternative

i am normally on it in bed as well
reviewing the day or evenings festivities

and those blessed moments
when it is silent
i can text without losing any of my thoughts

mercury would smile no doubt
to see where we have gone
with the notion of communication

good gracious
where did all the men go

we dragged our tired fashionista asses out for a few drinks
and we collectively agreed
boys have taken over the planet
and all real the men are at home cutting their lawns

chivalry may be alive and well
but it inhabits the body of post teen terror
they look delicious
we can safely agree on that
and the sex while frequent
is...well ...fast

a drink brought to the table is all well and good
but when they come at the rate of a fighter pilot
dropping on targets
it becomes a tad annoying
now i know
some would cry for the chance

but really
is pacing such a terrible thing
my little black dolce and gabbana is off
before they can check the label
the goal is singular
inside ..inside now

and bless their self timed explosions
if they figure out that some of us
like grrls .....
just a little hint
do not share this information
at the wrong moment
or the entire thing is over
before u can slide off your blahniks

cheeky yes
charming at the best of times
but we collectively agree
a man that can take a bit of time
is always a treat

it was sadly like swatting flys
you can see them out of the corner of your eye
one smack sends them off for a few moments
but somehow they seemed to find their way back

then we sat back
martinis in hand
and watched as they work the room

they start at the top of the food chain
and work their way down as the night progresses

it would appear the the average time to say yes
is approximately
two minutes

they never wander the lounge on their own
but in small herds
we supposed that if a grrl says no to one
there may be someone else in the party to their liking
sort of like a traveling boutique of boys
target ...select...cull

however
if no selection has been made
within the allotted time
they head off to the next group

personal space must be fought for
one wonders if it is the primordial need to smell
that brings them so close
or if the drinks have made them near sighted

i decided to head home alone
some well deserved rest
while miss m
who took one home
though impressed with the piston like precision
wanted to come over for dessert

keeping score....

bah
weekend in the country
so hip
we pile into a rented suv
fully loaded
in our faux country gear
does jimmy make a country shoe?
the ride out is full of last minute smokes
and buckets of semi cold half sweet soy lattes
becuase we know we don't find them out in the wilderness
we are so dressed for the weekend
our little Louis bags full of Marc j
i bring classic lit...in case there is a gazebo
i will look fabulous reading under that
and i wonder
who else is going to be there
the house is huge
we are all spending the weekend
linen tablecloths
silverware
lots of clothes in neutral colours
a great Gatsby moment to be sure
i sigh internally
and shiver at the thought of how fabulous we are all going to look

my room was tangerine and wine
i was smitten
trust me when i say two Louis sitting on the end of a huge
tangerine duvet is a shot that even S.M. would have to take
i left my Prada flats just tucked under the edge of the bed
the matching bag on the floor beside it
controlled chaos
such a lovely picture

dinner was a small intimate affair
outside
just as it should have been
the sun through trees
casual chic all around
we looked amazing
books and art discussed in detail

then the after dinner guests began to arrive
first was Mr e and his wife
great goddess
the last time i saw him
we were naked in a hot tub in the meat packing district
he looked deliciously deviant ...still
his wife how ever had soften some
her i had not seen since she got angry at me for not wanting to commit
this may be a little trickier than i thought

faux self confident smiles
and
a good chardonnay helped smooth the first few moments
but then to my horror
in strolls Mr c
his art stirred me
his need to inhale me
was a tad frightening
him i was not ready to re visit
just as wonderfully gracious as i remembered him
and just as intense

more wine please
by this point the grrls had a good giggle on
not so much to due to the wine
as for the tapping of my jimmys on the slate slabs

the evening didn't get any more comfortable
nor did it get any worse
until
in walks miss t
her i am still sleeping with
alas she came with her husband
bless him
he knows i exist
but we have never met
he had a perpetually air of melancholy
he reminded me of Mr Chatterley

after bit of E Mr Chatterley loosened up some
enough to send me off to bed...alone
i do not like to play mixed doubles
to many ex lovers in one room
so not good for the moral fiber and all that

the next day at breakfast
as we sat and contemplated the best roads back
i all but expired
when my brother shows up
with mr. C's ex
back from New Mexico looking
slightly organic in that neutral Armani sort of way
is she not adorable
i looked at her dead in the eye
and did not blink first
i assume that that will be the end of it
after all
i don't care if he fucks himself to death
but i would like him to die with his heart intact