sex, men and driving
great goddess
what is it about men and machines
is it a lack of power in their drab everyday lives
that makes them dash about like bebe chicks new to the farm

we sat and pondered this
it was decided that nothing should be said
but as you know
i am very seldom
completely proper
so here you go gentlemen
an inside look at the world of how women think

word to the wise gentlemen
we judge you not so much by what you drive...
but how you drive it
a volvo or mercedes may say something about the way you live
but how you handle them ..tells us how you make love

yes...that is correct
there is a direct correlation
and let us tell you....many times it is not so flattering
here are some bits of useful information to keep in mind
the next time you have a woman in the car with you

don't change lanes at the last moment
its abrasive and makes us think that even if you are on the right road
you are easily distracted
it usually means you do not pay attention to the road
and a man that cannot focus is a man you only want as a friend

watch the quick off the start thing ..that entire whiplash start
what it brings to mind is the boy that sticks his tongue down your throat
with one hand at your knickers and the other on the buttons to his denims
there is such a thing as too much of a good thing

and please
do not rev your engine while at a stop sign
we know you have a penis...it is why we are going home with you
but the fact that you have to announce it to the gentleman in the car next to us
well..it worries us a little

weaving in and out of traffic
this is not about speed...speed can be sexy
this is about dashing about like a mad man between the cars
as though there is a deadline to be met
all this does is set us to wondering ...
kiss ... hand to breast...push....kiss ....hand to breast....push
faster and faster
this man should have some interesting ceiling art
and not ask for our number
we will not be back

we were also in agreement that if you cannot handle a stick
to not bring it out to play
when we hear the grinding of gears
we close our legs ..tight

tail gating
well that is just much too anal for most of us
perhaps it is alberto, my manicure buddy, you should be dating

hitting the brakes at the last minute
if you do this to often
please allow us to leave the car
i mean honestly
this does not even need an explanation darlings

and finally.....
we honestly don't care if you get lost
this is a myth
we only really want you to find your way back
quickly

the telephone

i have had it today with the phone

as a child my family would make telephone calls home
italy and france
usually sunday mornings
not every sunday of course for that would show lack of restraint
but when they did we would gather round and all have a brief moment of glory
bonjour tante
buon giorno zia
quick little moments
all three of us in a line
my brother sister and me
my mother would all but pull the phone away if we verbally stumbled

it seemed terribly important back then

i say this as i have my phone stapled to my ear
it is an appendage
to lose my phone is to lose a limb

cabs and walking are no longer island of solitude

i know look like an extremely well dressed mad woman
packages in one hand
phone in the other
i have no hands free
much too vulgar

so i constantly reposition packages, sketches and handbags
all in an effort not to lose touch with my life
i am not sure why the fear exists
i am more then sure it will all get along quite well without me
but if i miss a call
the first thing they say when they re call is
you did not answer

real life drama
decisions can not be made if i am not consulted
are we going out
what are you wearing

work calling for hours on end
i talk with them as i shop
nodding to the shoe salesman to bring more
i talk to them ordering at the market
pointing like a fishmongers wife at the fruit
i talk to them while giving directions to the driver
covering the phone for one brief moment

when i am not making fashion choices for the planet
i am on the phone with my friends
this while less frequent than work
is much more amusing
the world can participate
we talk of the shoes and if they should be in black or chocolate
i ask if i need to pick up a little something from the market for dinner

it wakes me up in the morning
as i belive if no one is looking for you
sleep is the best alternative

i am normally on it in bed as well
reviewing the day or evenings festivities

and those blessed moments
when it is silent
i can text without losing any of my thoughts

mercury would smile no doubt
to see where we have gone
with the notion of communication

good gracious
where did all the men go

we dragged our tired fashionista asses out for a few drinks
and we collectively agreed
boys have taken over the planet
and all real the men are at home cutting their lawns

chivalry may be alive and well
but it inhabits the body of post teen terror
they look delicious
we can safely agree on that
and the sex while frequent
is...well ...fast

a drink brought to the table is all well and good
but when they come at the rate of a fighter pilot
dropping on targets
it becomes a tad annoying
now i know
some would cry for the chance

but really
is pacing such a terrible thing
my little black dolce and gabbana is off
before they can check the label
the goal is singular
inside ..inside now

and bless their self timed explosions
if they figure out that some of us
like grrls .....
just a little hint
do not share this information
at the wrong moment
or the entire thing is over
before u can slide off your blahniks

cheeky yes
charming at the best of times
but we collectively agree
a man that can take a bit of time
is always a treat

it was sadly like swatting flys
you can see them out of the corner of your eye
one smack sends them off for a few moments
but somehow they seemed to find their way back

then we sat back
martinis in hand
and watched as they work the room

they start at the top of the food chain
and work their way down as the night progresses

it would appear the the average time to say yes
is approximately
two minutes

they never wander the lounge on their own
but in small herds
we supposed that if a grrl says no to one
there may be someone else in the party to their liking
sort of like a traveling boutique of boys
target ...select...cull

however
if no selection has been made
within the allotted time
they head off to the next group

personal space must be fought for
one wonders if it is the primordial need to smell
that brings them so close
or if the drinks have made them near sighted

i decided to head home alone
some well deserved rest
while miss m
who took one home
though impressed with the piston like precision
wanted to come over for dessert

keeping score....

bah
weekend in the country
so hip
we pile into a rented suv
fully loaded
in our faux country gear
does jimmy make a country shoe?
the ride out is full of last minute smokes
and buckets of semi cold half sweet soy lattes
becuase we know we don't find them out in the wilderness
we are so dressed for the weekend
our little Louis bags full of Marc j
i bring classic lit...in case there is a gazebo
i will look fabulous reading under that
and i wonder
who else is going to be there
the house is huge
we are all spending the weekend
linen tablecloths
silverware
lots of clothes in neutral colours
a great Gatsby moment to be sure
i sigh internally
and shiver at the thought of how fabulous we are all going to look

my room was tangerine and wine
i was smitten
trust me when i say two Louis sitting on the end of a huge
tangerine duvet is a shot that even S.M. would have to take
i left my Prada flats just tucked under the edge of the bed
the matching bag on the floor beside it
controlled chaos
such a lovely picture

dinner was a small intimate affair
outside
just as it should have been
the sun through trees
casual chic all around
we looked amazing
books and art discussed in detail

then the after dinner guests began to arrive
first was Mr e and his wife
great goddess
the last time i saw him
we were naked in a hot tub in the meat packing district
he looked deliciously deviant ...still
his wife how ever had soften some
her i had not seen since she got angry at me for not wanting to commit
this may be a little trickier than i thought

faux self confident smiles
and
a good chardonnay helped smooth the first few moments
but then to my horror
in strolls Mr c
his art stirred me
his need to inhale me
was a tad frightening
him i was not ready to re visit
just as wonderfully gracious as i remembered him
and just as intense

more wine please
by this point the grrls had a good giggle on
not so much to due to the wine
as for the tapping of my jimmys on the slate slabs

the evening didn't get any more comfortable
nor did it get any worse
until
in walks miss t
her i am still sleeping with
alas she came with her husband
bless him
he knows i exist
but we have never met
he had a perpetually air of melancholy
he reminded me of Mr Chatterley

after bit of E Mr Chatterley loosened up some
enough to send me off to bed...alone
i do not like to play mixed doubles
to many ex lovers in one room
so not good for the moral fiber and all that

the next day at breakfast
as we sat and contemplated the best roads back
i all but expired
when my brother shows up
with mr. C's ex
back from New Mexico looking
slightly organic in that neutral Armani sort of way
is she not adorable
i looked at her dead in the eye
and did not blink first
i assume that that will be the end of it
after all
i don't care if he fucks himself to death
but i would like him to die with his heart intact